Switch on the light

                            

So my holidays are over and its back to school, back to reality. I am lucky enough to be teaching an amazing group of Gr. 4's - 8/9 year olds. Yes, my biggest passion is music but coming very close to it is teaching those crazy kids every week. I really don't want to go into the debate of why teaching is one of the most for fulling jobs and reeeaaallly do not want to touch the "you-are-permanently-on-holiday" discussion (one which my friends love to keep reminding me of) I rather want to share one of many moments where my heart literally bursted from gratitude and pure joy during these "few" hours spent with my kids.

Our topic for the week was fear/scary stories and I was asking the learners to share some experiences they have had. The main fear for most of my learners were the fear of the dark. And the intense and very real monsters that would come and visit them in the night. The atmosphere  in the class was quite daunting when a boy started to share his story. (It is very important that you read the next bit in a "Cape/Kaapse/coloured" accent)

"Mam, I did lie in my bed, nuh, mam, and I was looking at the door, mam, and then suddenly mam, I saw a hand, mam!!!! 

I almost peed in my pants, mam! " 

(Please note that I have a "did" jar for every time they use the word incorrectly) - I am coining it.

                 

                                (I told them to dress up as pirates to protect themselves...) 

Its really amazing how much "power" darkness can hold. Its the fear of not being able to see clearly, that revs up our imagination to such extremes that even the worst scary movie can't beat it. All our senses go on fire and even the slightest crack or movement sets 10 alarms off in one second. 

         

        

I've been struggling with loads of insecurities and uncertainties as many of us do...and it gets worse the older we get. From basic things as work, money, employment, to hard life choices that must be made. Insecurities about our self, still doubting "Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Funny enough? Active enough? Thin enough? " continues to lurk behind the walls long after high school. Insecurities and uncertainties have a tendency to from lies, imaginary monsters and hands ready to choke you, frightening you so much you "want to pee in my pants." The reality is, when you put on the light, they seem to disappear. You are filled with relief and confronted by the truth, that the hand was indeed just the shadow of a tree.

Harmless.

Every time you doubt yourself and insecurities fill your room, you are turning off the lights and you start to believe these imaginary lies. 

You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light.

2 Samuel 22:29 (#1 of 25 Bible Verses about Light) 

What do we do when we are afraid of the dark? 

We switch on the light. 

Being honest with God

   

                     

In my very first blogpost, I told you that I was going to be honest with you, and throughout my blogs I really, truly wrote each blog from my heart, sharing my thoughts honestly. But during the past few weeks I have really struggled to post something, well something worthwhile ( I really don't want to bore you). Each day I woke up with a revived mission to write something amazing, but epically failed, returning to my position infront of my series. After two week of repeating this endless cycle ( and being left with only the "I'm watching this series even though it's boring me to death but it's all I've got left" ) I started to feel disconnected and dissapointed.

                                                    

                                                                    Hahahahaha! 

   

With my mood dropping into the ground and negativity biting my ass, I sat down with my best friend, hoping that her wisdom would save me. I told her that I've been struggling, not only with finding something inspiring to blog about, but also with my song writing. I felt so disconnected. What was going on? And then she came to a conclusion that blew my mind. 

Am I being honest with God?

Am I completely honest when I'm alone with Him?

Or am I "faking" it?

The truth is, some of us had that amazing camp, or outreach, or church service where our relationship with God was on a complete high. You were completely lost in God, constantly thinking of Him,
living for Him and talking to and about Him. The sad truth is this "high" really doesn't last long. Reality hits and day by day you move just an inch away, praying a bit less, or talking just a little bit less about Him. Until you reach a place where you feel disconnected all over again.

But this time with a sense of guilt. 

I've been blessed with so many amazing experiences where I first handedly saw and experience God's love, jealousy, power and grace and my relationship with Him has grown so strong since a very young age. It's come to a point, that to admit that I have again moved away from Him was, to be honest, embarrassing. So instead of admitting it, I faked it. When talking to God I would pray the way I used to pray when I was close to Him. I was asked to sing at a charity event a few weeks ago, and just before I went on stage, I felt extremely distracted, losing my focus. So, I went to the bathroom, and started to pray my "usual" prayer, 

" It's all about You Lord, it's all about You. May you be glorified..blahblahblah..." 

Ok..I know it's harsh, and I really meant every word, and I know it's true, but in a sense I was "faking" it. I wasn't honest with Him. Hear me out...God wants a real personal relationship with you. He doesn't want the perfect words, He wants my words. Instead of acting perfect, I had to be real with Him. I should've walked into the bathroom and told Him that I was scared, and that I didn't feel as if I had it in me to reach His standard. I was even a bit angry, why did He ask me to open myself up to so much critism, and now leave me feeling disconnected. Alone. 

The reality is, as soon as you are honest with God, no matter how irrational and wrong it is, He has
this amazing way to "step up" and to open your eyes. Being fake, I closed myself up for any miracle He has prepared to bless me with, but opening myself up, being honest, I make myself vulnerable, and therefore open to hear God's voice.

                                            

     

Since the beginning of this journey I've felt extremely insecure and stressed out. Every time I start to write a song I go through an entire emotional breakdown (overdramatic much?), feeling that I'm not good  enough or talented enough to even attempt writing God's music, but since I've been honest with Him, the devil has no more control over me, instead I have given these insecurities to God, and how He has turned it into something amazing. 

God loves us so much, He desperately desires a real relationship with each one of us. And when we're faking it, we close ourselves up to it. As soon as we are honest with Him, He gets to work, shaping our thoughts and hearts closer to Him, that in the end your prayers are only left with words of thankfulness. 

"It's all about You, God. It's all about You. May You be glorified."