Being honest with God

   

                     

In my very first blogpost, I told you that I was going to be honest with you, and throughout my blogs I really, truly wrote each blog from my heart, sharing my thoughts honestly. But during the past few weeks I have really struggled to post something, well something worthwhile ( I really don't want to bore you). Each day I woke up with a revived mission to write something amazing, but epically failed, returning to my position infront of my series. After two week of repeating this endless cycle ( and being left with only the "I'm watching this series even though it's boring me to death but it's all I've got left" ) I started to feel disconnected and dissapointed.

                                                    

                                                                    Hahahahaha! 

   

With my mood dropping into the ground and negativity biting my ass, I sat down with my best friend, hoping that her wisdom would save me. I told her that I've been struggling, not only with finding something inspiring to blog about, but also with my song writing. I felt so disconnected. What was going on? And then she came to a conclusion that blew my mind. 

Am I being honest with God?

Am I completely honest when I'm alone with Him?

Or am I "faking" it?

The truth is, some of us had that amazing camp, or outreach, or church service where our relationship with God was on a complete high. You were completely lost in God, constantly thinking of Him,
living for Him and talking to and about Him. The sad truth is this "high" really doesn't last long. Reality hits and day by day you move just an inch away, praying a bit less, or talking just a little bit less about Him. Until you reach a place where you feel disconnected all over again.

But this time with a sense of guilt. 

I've been blessed with so many amazing experiences where I first handedly saw and experience God's love, jealousy, power and grace and my relationship with Him has grown so strong since a very young age. It's come to a point, that to admit that I have again moved away from Him was, to be honest, embarrassing. So instead of admitting it, I faked it. When talking to God I would pray the way I used to pray when I was close to Him. I was asked to sing at a charity event a few weeks ago, and just before I went on stage, I felt extremely distracted, losing my focus. So, I went to the bathroom, and started to pray my "usual" prayer, 

" It's all about You Lord, it's all about You. May you be glorified..blahblahblah..." 

Ok..I know it's harsh, and I really meant every word, and I know it's true, but in a sense I was "faking" it. I wasn't honest with Him. Hear me out...God wants a real personal relationship with you. He doesn't want the perfect words, He wants my words. Instead of acting perfect, I had to be real with Him. I should've walked into the bathroom and told Him that I was scared, and that I didn't feel as if I had it in me to reach His standard. I was even a bit angry, why did He ask me to open myself up to so much critism, and now leave me feeling disconnected. Alone. 

The reality is, as soon as you are honest with God, no matter how irrational and wrong it is, He has
this amazing way to "step up" and to open your eyes. Being fake, I closed myself up for any miracle He has prepared to bless me with, but opening myself up, being honest, I make myself vulnerable, and therefore open to hear God's voice.

                                            

     

Since the beginning of this journey I've felt extremely insecure and stressed out. Every time I start to write a song I go through an entire emotional breakdown (overdramatic much?), feeling that I'm not good  enough or talented enough to even attempt writing God's music, but since I've been honest with Him, the devil has no more control over me, instead I have given these insecurities to God, and how He has turned it into something amazing. 

God loves us so much, He desperately desires a real relationship with each one of us. And when we're faking it, we close ourselves up to it. As soon as we are honest with Him, He gets to work, shaping our thoughts and hearts closer to Him, that in the end your prayers are only left with words of thankfulness. 

"It's all about You, God. It's all about You. May You be glorified."