You've crowned me

Wow, what a journey I've been on the following past month. Not only have I recorded my EP, which will launch on the 27th of October (keep an eye out!) but I also went on a photo shoot ( scary as hell, but I survived...and have a new found respect for models..it's hard and really awkward!). I have the most amazing graphic designer working with me, Magdaleen van Wyk, shaping and creating the most beautiful surroundings I'm walking through in this journey. With only an email trying to explain the image I have in my mind, she has perfected the image, branding and story I want to tell through amazing images and drawings, as if she has been in my mind and heart for years. I think God was just in the mood to show me how insanely BRILLIANT and in control He is, when He got her to join me on my journey.

I also think God was tired of me stressing out about the EP, and really tired of my constant praying, becoming a repetitive bore, that He grabbed me by the hand and led me into Gideon Murry's studio.(Katalyst Music Productions) In less than 2 weeks my 4 songs was done. Say whaaaat????? I have this image of God on one of those photos, with Him sitting like a boss saying, " I gots this." And, boy...did He. Hilandi du Toit, one of God's angels, protected me like her own child, teaching me how to walk, helping me step by step, and in the end I could dance to my songs ( my friends will know that I cannot dance to save my life, but jumping up and down counts, ok!). 

The brilliance of Hilandi, Gideon, Wikus du Rand and Sven Blummer played off in front of me like a Captain America episode and with their powers combined, they took my songs and turned them into super heroes of their own. With me, for once, not being in control, I could actually realize that God was in control. I could put my selfishness aside, stop focusing on what I want and what I was scared of and start to appreciate God's glory, humbly bowing down, embarrassed that I made it about me. My insecurities, my fears, my dreams taking a step back when God moved in, and with utter grace declares everything as His own. 

I would like to share with you the message I have been given in my songs and during my time with God and His people. This is the message that I want to tell, every where I go, every time I sing and every time I listen to God's songs. 

I've been overwhelmed with this image of God as this almighty, glorious and victorious God. A KING. In my insecurities and fears, I've realized that I was actually doubting God. Every time I doubt my future, I was doubting how powerful He is. Every time I chose to believe the people who told me that it could not be done, I was in essence choosing people over my almighty God, who told me that it could be done. For me, it almost feels like we have all forgotten who our God is. We have forgotten how powerful He is, how almighty He is. We live these passive lives, scared to do anything, scared of worldly matters, scared of violence, scared of stepping up and being who we are called to be. We feel safe in our closed up, guarded homes, living average lives. But, we're not living at all. When God sent Jesus to die for us, He defeated everything that divided us from Him. He defeated all evil. 

We have forgotten who our Father is. I can't help but think of the Lion King's scene, where Simba is confronted with his father in the sky. (Feel free to read it in Mufasa's voice) My pastor once preached this amazing sermon. Isn't the Lion King such a great example of where we are right now? Enjoying the company of Timon and Pumba, relishing in life, eating, sleeping and being pointless. Just as Simba was destined for something more, we are destined for something more. We are the children of a KING. We are co- heirs with Christ. Do you realize that? It completely blew my mind. As soon as we step up and realize who our Father is, a King of the universe, we can start wearing our crowns, proudly proclaiming and owning up to who we are. He chose us. We are His princesses and princes.

We need to pick up our crowns. It's waiting for us. Shining in Gods palm.

He crowned us with His glory.

You've been crowned.

Live it. 

We found love

                           

I was 11 when I first fell in love. I was busy walking home, when he appeared like a Backstreet Boys poster driving towards me on a bicycle.  Instead of playing it cool and Baby Spicing it up, my body decided to do the exact opposite of what the smooth voice inside of my head was telling it to do. Needless to say, I pretty much stayed invisible, melting so effortlessly into my surrounding environment, that not even my dog could sniff me out. It was when I saw his perfectly scribbled handwriting on my desk, him "hearting" the most popular girl, that I literally felt my own heart falling into my stomach, killing all the butterflies on its way down. 

And so came my first heartbreak. (Yes, I know he never knew of my existence, but it was very real to me! ) 

I am writing this post out of a girl's perspective so I am not generalising it to include the man's domain. I always thought that I understood men, but these days I really doubt my ability to read their minds. Talking to a lot of my girlfriends, I think this is pretty much the general process of this thing we call love. 

Welcome to the inner workings of a woman's mind. ( It's a pleasure) 

There is nothing more exciting than talking to your friends about your love life. (Or more boring for some of us, hehe). When people get together, you always start with the boring/polite questions of things you need to get out of the way so that you can get to the juicy stuff. Then hours can pass and we are as happy as can be, relishing in each others stories and sometimes gossip. We can watch the Notebook for the 100th time and still cry, hoping secretly that this will happen to you, because, you know, every girl deserves to be kissed in the rain, with swans, and Ryan Gosling. Then there's Moulin Rouge. O, my.. This is one of those movies where only my dearest people can watch it with me. Next to Lion King, this is the movie where I know every-single-word and karaoke reaches a new level. Singing both parts, like a boss. 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

That just happened.
                                        

Ok, so seriously, what is this obsession with the human race and love. It's as if we have this internal instinct that kicks in after the age of "cooties" that drives us socially and emotionally. And sometimes it drives us completely mad. 

I've heard some people hypothesizing that the heart has a memory. It saves moments of how we physically feel during a moment of pure ecstasy or hell. It's like a ticking bomb, beating according to the rhythm of how you feel, exploding when you meet the one, and physically breaking when you lose him.  It controls your mind. Having so much power it blinds your eyes, makes you deaf and sufficates your rational thinking. Love is blind, right? It's such a powerful organ, that during the most difficult times of my life, my heart physically hurt inside my chest. Over dramatic...maybe...especially when you move into your "Ugly cry", but it's real. It's there at that moment.

When I meet someone, I physically look better. I may excercise a bit more, but it's as if my skin has been waiting for its moment to shine like Edward from Twilight. I radiate happiness. Of course..at the moment with winter and all, I look like the walking dead. My skin is literally invisible showing all my blue vains as if I am a map or something. Not my finest moment. 

When you are single, like me, or in an unhealthy relationship, you can't help but wonder, when is it my turn? Your social calender fills up with so many events, just incase you meet him there, even though you would much rather stay in bed. Winter is the worst. All my couple friends hibernate and I'm stuck with my electric duvet keeping me warm. You force yourself into the cold, go out, meet people, get bored, drive home, jump into your bed wishing you never left your amazing electric duvet, who is always there for you. Then realise how sad it is that you have such an incredible relationship with your bed.

Then you meet him. The one. And with amazing skin you love the world your in, walking on
sunshine, singing your own background music. And without realising it you're making youself so vulnerable, opening your heart up for him to play the beat. And it is amazing. Worth it. 

Then there comes a time, and most of us have experienced it, when the relationship comes to an end. Both hearts being ripped away from each other that it stops beating. (This is the time when the best songs ever were written) and it stays with you. 

I really do believe that a person can get "over" the other person. Not being in love with him. But what you've had, the relationship, the memories, how you felt will always be imprinted on your heart. And no matter how far you have moved on, when you see your ex with someone else, your heart can't help but skip a beat. 

You see, at the end of a relationship, your heart needs to find a new rhythm it can beat to, that's why a lot of people jump into the next relationship. I do believe that it's important that you find your own rhythm. That you are capable of living on your own. Being happy on your own. So that when you meet him, the "one", you can create a symphony together. 

We were made to be in pairs. God made Adam and immediately he created Eve. He planned it this way. 

Because He wanted us to experience just a glimpse of how much He loves us.

                           

    

We fall in love, we fall out of love, we break hearts and our hearts get broken.

And yet, no matter how many times we get hurt, we will always try again. Never give up (I sound like an epic song right now). Life is about love. 

Enjoy it. 

Switch on the light

                            

So my holidays are over and its back to school, back to reality. I am lucky enough to be teaching an amazing group of Gr. 4's - 8/9 year olds. Yes, my biggest passion is music but coming very close to it is teaching those crazy kids every week. I really don't want to go into the debate of why teaching is one of the most for fulling jobs and reeeaaallly do not want to touch the "you-are-permanently-on-holiday" discussion (one which my friends love to keep reminding me of) I rather want to share one of many moments where my heart literally bursted from gratitude and pure joy during these "few" hours spent with my kids.

Our topic for the week was fear/scary stories and I was asking the learners to share some experiences they have had. The main fear for most of my learners were the fear of the dark. And the intense and very real monsters that would come and visit them in the night. The atmosphere  in the class was quite daunting when a boy started to share his story. (It is very important that you read the next bit in a "Cape/Kaapse/coloured" accent)

"Mam, I did lie in my bed, nuh, mam, and I was looking at the door, mam, and then suddenly mam, I saw a hand, mam!!!! 

I almost peed in my pants, mam! " 

(Please note that I have a "did" jar for every time they use the word incorrectly) - I am coining it.

                 

                                (I told them to dress up as pirates to protect themselves...) 

Its really amazing how much "power" darkness can hold. Its the fear of not being able to see clearly, that revs up our imagination to such extremes that even the worst scary movie can't beat it. All our senses go on fire and even the slightest crack or movement sets 10 alarms off in one second. 

         

        

I've been struggling with loads of insecurities and uncertainties as many of us do...and it gets worse the older we get. From basic things as work, money, employment, to hard life choices that must be made. Insecurities about our self, still doubting "Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Funny enough? Active enough? Thin enough? " continues to lurk behind the walls long after high school. Insecurities and uncertainties have a tendency to from lies, imaginary monsters and hands ready to choke you, frightening you so much you "want to pee in my pants." The reality is, when you put on the light, they seem to disappear. You are filled with relief and confronted by the truth, that the hand was indeed just the shadow of a tree.

Harmless.

Every time you doubt yourself and insecurities fill your room, you are turning off the lights and you start to believe these imaginary lies. 

You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light.

2 Samuel 22:29 (#1 of 25 Bible Verses about Light) 

What do we do when we are afraid of the dark? 

We switch on the light. 

Being honest with God

   

                     

In my very first blogpost, I told you that I was going to be honest with you, and throughout my blogs I really, truly wrote each blog from my heart, sharing my thoughts honestly. But during the past few weeks I have really struggled to post something, well something worthwhile ( I really don't want to bore you). Each day I woke up with a revived mission to write something amazing, but epically failed, returning to my position infront of my series. After two week of repeating this endless cycle ( and being left with only the "I'm watching this series even though it's boring me to death but it's all I've got left" ) I started to feel disconnected and dissapointed.

                                                    

                                                                    Hahahahaha! 

   

With my mood dropping into the ground and negativity biting my ass, I sat down with my best friend, hoping that her wisdom would save me. I told her that I've been struggling, not only with finding something inspiring to blog about, but also with my song writing. I felt so disconnected. What was going on? And then she came to a conclusion that blew my mind. 

Am I being honest with God?

Am I completely honest when I'm alone with Him?

Or am I "faking" it?

The truth is, some of us had that amazing camp, or outreach, or church service where our relationship with God was on a complete high. You were completely lost in God, constantly thinking of Him,
living for Him and talking to and about Him. The sad truth is this "high" really doesn't last long. Reality hits and day by day you move just an inch away, praying a bit less, or talking just a little bit less about Him. Until you reach a place where you feel disconnected all over again.

But this time with a sense of guilt. 

I've been blessed with so many amazing experiences where I first handedly saw and experience God's love, jealousy, power and grace and my relationship with Him has grown so strong since a very young age. It's come to a point, that to admit that I have again moved away from Him was, to be honest, embarrassing. So instead of admitting it, I faked it. When talking to God I would pray the way I used to pray when I was close to Him. I was asked to sing at a charity event a few weeks ago, and just before I went on stage, I felt extremely distracted, losing my focus. So, I went to the bathroom, and started to pray my "usual" prayer, 

" It's all about You Lord, it's all about You. May you be glorified..blahblahblah..." 

Ok..I know it's harsh, and I really meant every word, and I know it's true, but in a sense I was "faking" it. I wasn't honest with Him. Hear me out...God wants a real personal relationship with you. He doesn't want the perfect words, He wants my words. Instead of acting perfect, I had to be real with Him. I should've walked into the bathroom and told Him that I was scared, and that I didn't feel as if I had it in me to reach His standard. I was even a bit angry, why did He ask me to open myself up to so much critism, and now leave me feeling disconnected. Alone. 

The reality is, as soon as you are honest with God, no matter how irrational and wrong it is, He has
this amazing way to "step up" and to open your eyes. Being fake, I closed myself up for any miracle He has prepared to bless me with, but opening myself up, being honest, I make myself vulnerable, and therefore open to hear God's voice.

                                            

     

Since the beginning of this journey I've felt extremely insecure and stressed out. Every time I start to write a song I go through an entire emotional breakdown (overdramatic much?), feeling that I'm not good  enough or talented enough to even attempt writing God's music, but since I've been honest with Him, the devil has no more control over me, instead I have given these insecurities to God, and how He has turned it into something amazing. 

God loves us so much, He desperately desires a real relationship with each one of us. And when we're faking it, we close ourselves up to it. As soon as we are honest with Him, He gets to work, shaping our thoughts and hearts closer to Him, that in the end your prayers are only left with words of thankfulness. 

"It's all about You, God. It's all about You. May You be glorified."

You are worth dying for

                      

     

I would like to share my thoughts on relationships. Yes. This is my thoughts, and I'm still very young, so I know I still have SO much to learn. I should rather say I would like to share my thoughts, which have been shaped by experience, other peoples thoughts and experience, books, movies and most of all by God. So you could actually say that I'm sharing my journey up until now and how I feel about it. 

This is as personal as it can get. 

And I expect you not to agree with everything, but maybe, for some, you can find some truth.

For me, relationships is what life is about. It's how we function every second of everyday. Your relationship with your family, friends, loved one, strangers, yourself and God. Each one as important as the other. It affects you emotionally, mentally and physically. It shapes who you are. It's the deciding factor on your choices and the paths you follow in life. I believe that is why Jesus was so focused on relationships when He was on earth, He knew this was the best way to make an impact and to share the truth. 

Everybody has this deep desire, this need to belong. It's why the Gr. 4's in my class are constantly fighting their way into groups, wanting to belong. You experience this need even more from children coming from broken homes. Belonging means safety. It means your loved. Your accepted. Your special. This is why you immediately become vulnerable. You allow the other person to be apart of your life, to shape who you are.

I have seen so many people in abusive relationships and people allowing the person nearest to them to hurt them. Immediately forgiving them, because, you know, he loves me. It won't happen again. I deserve this. 

The thing that upsets me the most is that the person being abused really believes all these lies the other person is feeding them. Manipulating every situation, every word, every movement so that you find yourself completely lost in what happened and out of pure exhaustion gives in. Taking the blame the other person so perfectly planned, you fall into another lie, constantly shaping who you are becoming.  These abusive relationship have the perfect timing, brilliantly keeping you prisoned in lies of promises. Manipulating you in believing you deserve all the lies and even makes you believe that you are lucky to be in this relationship, despite your flaws. 

The whole point of an abuser is to make you feel that without him/her you are worthless. And this person just loves to remind you of this lie, as soon as you start to doubt them. 

The irony of this is that, within this relationship you are actually accepting that you are worthless, that you deserve to be treated like an object, being shaped to fit perfectly in the abusers hands. You lose all of yourself, being shaped each day to be more and more worthless, becoming someone you can't even recognize. 

Then you get people who are not in a committed relationship but rather in desperate need of one. Some  people become so desperate to belong, to be loved, to feel safe, that they accept any form of "love" , giving themselves to anybody who are willing to give it to them. Even if it is only for one night. You start believing that this "friends with benefits" or "one night stands" means more, when the sad reality usually ends with you getting hurt, and you can't even blame the other person since they were quite clear on where they stood. 

Well this is quite depressing, so let me get to the positive part. 

If you find yourself in the situations above, the problem lies with you.

Waaait, hold up. Yes. I just said that. And I want you to read it again.

The problem lies with you. 

This is not depressing and you should not even for a second think that you deserve what is happening to you. The thing is, as soon as you realize that the problem lies within you, you realize that you have all the power to change it. It gives you power. The ability to change. To get out. 

The problem is that you believe that you deserve all of this. You deserve a person emotionally and/or physically abusing you. You deserve to share yourself with a person that, to be honest, doesn't give a damn about you. You deserve to be treated as an average person. Nothing special about you. 

It's within this problem that I found myself, that I read something that completely blew my mind.  ( I read this in the book from Rob Bell, SexGod)          

            

  

"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her."

Jesus so loved the church that He died for her. He says here that the husband must be wiling to lay down his life for his wife. 

That she is worth dying for. 

Do you realize that you deserve someone that will die for you?  Isn't that the ultimate form of love?  An abuser could definitely convince you that he /she could die for you, since they have mad manipulating skills, but the sad reality is that this person is so self-centered, so self-involved, they love themselves waaay more than they will ever love you, and will most definitely not be able to give up their lives for you. Never mind the person that doesn't even want to be in a committed relationship with you. 

You are worth dying for. 

It's when you are in a relationship, that reflects the relationship that Jesus had with the church, that you are completely yourself, being loved just the way you are, that you are secure. That you feel safe. That you feel worthy. You need to be able to love one another so much that you are willing to lay down your life for each other. That is true love. And everybody deserves this love. Jesus laid down His life for the church. We are the church. If Jesus loves you so much, that He died for you, don't you think you deserve the same earthly love? 

You are worth dying for. 

Don't let anybody make you believe differently. 

Your glory is so beautiful

                           

               

        

You know my complete obsession with All sons and daughters? Well, yeah. I admit it. I have a side to me that can become, to put it lightly, obsessed. Not really putting it lightly, is it?

         

         

I have their live CD constantly playing in my car and every week I get a knew song to obsess about. This week it's, "Your glory". Man, o man, do I love this song! This song's lyrics are so true for me. I often find myself in complete awe of God's glory. How perfectly beautiful He is. I sometimes struggle to put it in words, but now I have this song I can sing.

I have recorder a cover for you. I hope you fall in love with the song as I did.

https://soundcloud.com/andriette-de-la-harpe/your-glory-all-sons-and 

Your glory is so beautiful. 

God wears lipstick

                    

   

Last year I was going through a bit of a rough time emotionally and spiritually. I felt disconnected from God and embarrassed that I have lost myself in earthly matters. And more so that I have turned away from Him, knowing that He was the only one able to help me. I reach a point where God literally ripped all the things that kept me away from Him, out of my hands that I could finally hit rock bottom and realize that He was my rock. With desperation I walked into a Christian book store, dying to hear God's words, that I stumbled upon a book called, "SexGod". Yes. I know. That's quite a daring title for a book, and to be honest I felt a bit weird and uncomfortable even holding it. I knew the author very well, Rob Bell, and loved all his previous work. So I decided to give it a go.

                                                      

         

To this day, it has been one of the most mind-blowing-saywhat?-wow-I-never-thought-of-that books I have ever read. And I would love to share one of the images described in this book. 

The book focusses on a human's sexuality. The word encompassing several aspects, one of which is our humanity. Our humanity..our sexuality..is what differs us from animals and angels. It's what defines us. Neither angel nor animal. God has placed something unique in all human beings: we reflect what God is like and who God is. 

Everybody is the bearers of the divine image. 

Its when people objectify others that we strip them of their humanity. Instead of reflecting God, they reflect a nothingness. And its in this nothingness that people lose hope. In the book, Rob Bell tells a story of the war, where a soldier gives his account of a concentration camp.  A concentration camp's purpose was to strip away any humanity from the people. Leaving them naked, bare, objects, worthless, hopeless. The soldier recounts something that happened one specific day. 

"It was shortly after the British Red Cross arrived that a very large quantity of lipstick arrived. This was not at all what we wanted, we were screaming for hundreds of other things and I don't know who asked for lipstick. I wish so much that I could discover who did it. It was an action of genius, sheer brilliance. I believe nothing did more for these internees that the lipstick. Women lay in bed with no sheets and no nighty but with Scarlet red lips. You would see them wandering with nothing but a blanket, but with scarlet red lips. I saw a women dead on a table and clutched in her hand was a piece of lipstick. At last someone had done something to make them individuals again, they were someone, not merely a tattooed number on their arm. At last they could take interest in their appearance. That lipstick started to give them back their humanity. " 

Our humanity reflects God within us. Without it we lose sight of who we are within God. 

Sometimes all you need is a little bit of lipstick.